Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize