The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
