I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
