We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
