found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
