my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize