The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
