Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize