I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
