I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
no you cant smoke seaweed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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