If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
