Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize