I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
