the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
