Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
