Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
