just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
