god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
