Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
