I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
