Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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