he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize