Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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