apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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