is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
