If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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