These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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