i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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