Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize