Don't make out with my wife yet
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
What a dumb baby whore.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
