Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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