i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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