Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
