so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
