Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
