Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
