half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize