kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
