Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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