I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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