Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
