Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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