all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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