It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
