Grow some girl-balls and come out already
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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