You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
