No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
