her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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