im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
