I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
