he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
