I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
