It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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