I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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