She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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