Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
