Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
zippers are such a cool invention
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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