If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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