I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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