So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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