My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
